| When does a child's right to privacy begin and a | | | | Children at this age want to start doing things |
| parent's right to know end? I don't have definitive | | | | themselves-eating, drinking, dressing, choosing |
| answers but I do have what I hope will be some | | | | their activities, etc. Take this as a sign that your |
| helpful guidelines. | | | | child is beginning to see him or herself as separate |
| Let's begin by looking at the opposite ends of the | | | | from you and may be looking for some personal |
| continuum. To begin at the beginning, you start | | | | space. |
| off with an infant, who grows into toddlerhood. | | | | As a parent, you want to gradually increase |
| Your two year-old does not require, nor will he | | | | privacy as you teach your child responsible |
| generally seek, privacy. He takes no offense | | | | behaviors to manage the new freedom. |
| when you help him dress. She is not offended | | | | 2. How do you teach responsibility? Do you tell |
| when you share the bathroom. And he typically | | | | your children what to do or do you model, show |
| does not mind you rummaging through his things. | | | | and provide opportunities for your child to try out |
| In fact, all of this parental intrusion seems fairly | | | | his/her new skill? |
| normal and necessary. | | | | If your goal is to raise an independent, responsible |
| On the other end of the continuum, I have a 54 | | | | adult, then you will provide learning opportunities in |
| year-old friend whose parents are 87 and 88 | | | | that direction. When parents tell their children what |
| years-old. They talk to him almost every day and | | | | to do and how to think, what they set up, in |
| want to know the details of his life, even those | | | | essence, is either a rebellious child or a child who |
| details my friend would like to keep private, such | | | | becomes very fearful and dependent. |
| as when he isn't feeling well. He doesn't want his | | | | You want to model for your children the behavior |
| parents to worry. Now, there probably aren't | | | | you expect. If you hate doing chores around the |
| many parents who can't relate to wanting to | | | | house, how can you reasonably expect your |
| know things about their grown children that those | | | | children to want to do theirs? |
| children would prefer to keep personal. There | | | | 3. What do you believe about trusting your |
| may details about their intimate relationships, their | | | | children? How do you respond when they let you |
| finances, their children, their work and their health, | | | | down? |
| among other things that they may not want their | | | | Once you have discussed and demonstrated a |
| parent's to know. Doesn't a grown child have the | | | | new behavior with your children, you need to |
| right to decide what information he or she will | | | | trust them by providing opportunities for them to |
| share with a parent? | | | | test it out. How will you ever know what |
| Since I am a parent of grown men in their | | | | responsible decisions they will make if you protect |
| twenties, I understand the desire of parents to | | | | them from environments where they will be put |
| know about their children's lives. After all, for all | | | | to the test? |
| the years they lived with you, you pretty much | | | | How will you respond when they don't act in the |
| couldn't help but know most of what was going | | | | way you've agreed? Do you punish them for |
| on in their lives simply because you lived under | | | | "bad" behavior or do you take that opportunity |
| the same roof. Add to that your concern about | | | | for further teaching and education? Scientists |
| their safety and well-being and you were | | | | have discovered that people do not learn when |
| motivated to know as much as possible about | | | | they are afraid. They act from the back of their |
| your children. Just because a child grows up | | | | brains, their reflexive center. They are |
| doesn't make that desire evaporate. | | | | programmed to do whatever is necessary to |
| So, what's a parent to do? When is it all right to | | | | survive but they won't learn anything new. |
| violate your child's privacy and when is it taboo? | | | | Therefore, punishment may not be your most |
| The issue mainly comes down to what you | | | | effective route. |
| ultimately want for your children, how you teach | | | | The best approach is to take back some of the |
| them responsibility and trust. | | | | freedom until they can formulate better |
| Most parents will agree that there is no need for | | | | responses to the situation and then reinstate your |
| privacy before a child is two. Many, but not all, will | | | | trust to allow them to try again. How many times |
| agree that by the time their child is grown, the | | | | should you do this? As many as it takes. |
| child should have the right to maintain privacy | | | | All of this said, I know that as parents you still |
| about any area he or she chooses, even though it | | | | want to know what is happening with your |
| may cause the parents dismay. | | | | children. The best way to do that is to follow the |
| For those years in between, ask yourself the | | | | guidelines above and maintain open, honest, |
| following questions: | | | | non-coercive, non-threatening communication with |
| 1. What do you ultimately want for your child? Do | | | | your child. When you do, they will be more likely |
| you want an obedient child or one who is | | | | to seek your counsel when they need advice. |
| ultimately independent and responsible? | | | | So don't read their diaries, go searching through |
| If the answer is that you want an obedient child, | | | | their rooms, check the trunks of their cars, listen |
| then I don't believe you are looking far enough | | | | in on their phone conversations, invade their email |
| into the future. It is most likely that your children | | | | inboxes or spy on their myspace accounts. Be |
| will outlive you. Who do you want them to obey | | | | the type of parent your child will trust. Be the |
| when you are gone? | | | | parent your child can come to when he or she is |
| If you can agree that you want them to be able | | | | in trouble. Be the parent your child will want to |
| to be independent, responsible adults by the time | | | | share his or her life with and you will have no |
| you are gone, then shouldn't you start to prepare | | | | reason to ever violate their privacy. |
| them early since we never have any guarantees | | | | If you would like to learn more about how to do |
| of how long we will be around? | | | | this type of parenting, then click here to sign up |
| Once your child reaches the magical age of two, | | | | for our free Empowerment Parenting Tip Sheet. |
| he or she will be seeking some independence. | | | | |